{ F to the I to the N to the A }: Love Stoned, he knows

In life this is reality. Reality bites the dust. I’ve come to the stage where I’ve face the many different scenarios in life. Be it happy, or sad I have fall for both either. Happiness makes you stronger sadness makes your life meaningless just like you’re waiting for the day to get over but it seem long like you’ve been waiting for centuries. I didn’t conquer. Thus left me hang there dangling wandering like a lost soul. All my life this is it. The time where I believe God has given me a big task or is he testing me out. At times I really feel so lost. I do not know what to do when I know deep within me, there wasn’t any intention to hurt no body. It’s really difficult. I succumb to it. Somehow, it left me just like not the Fina I use to be when I was in high school years or even in Uni days. I flip through my little diary I use to have before I left school. I vividly remember how my schoolmates those who are close with me even if you’re not I knew there was words or messages left in this little booklet before we bid goodbyes. Yes, Fina was famously known for her glorious loud LAUGHTER and noise those younger days. They use to quote me as ‘No Fina no fun, No Fina no joy’. And, I get compliments every year thanking me ‘Hey, Fina keep laughing forever, for without you the class is very very quiet! Thanks for the laughter in the class. . Some said ‘remember: Never stop laughing’. I remember this girl in my class which wrote ‘you really light up our class with laughter so keep on laughing when you see people are gloomy because your laughter will cheer a person up’. I felt as thought I am doing some social charity circus. During my teenage and schooling days, I am a real joker. Very fun, jovial person but I have a very bad character. I’ve never shown any of my doubts or troubles and problems to any of my mates even my close friends are aware of it. That is why they foresee the sad me as Fina is always the happy lucky girl in their eyes. It’s just instilled in me that I would and never show the society how unhappy I am. I am on the verge where I want to break down but manage to control and secure my inner feelings. It’s just skips a bit when ever I think about it. So, when I’ve succumb with trials and tribulations whose there to put a smile on me? My self esteem has died in me. I am so tension that I feel sooner or later my eyes will pop out. Or is it just me skeptical to face the truth? Its true Fergie once sang ‘Big girls don’t cry’ but face the fact, which girls won’t and don’t? My tension has come to the pinnacle where remember my previous post I said I want to do something to it. I finally did it. I don’t mind looking like a lost smurf well at least at the current mood I have half of my stress lift aside. I'd rather be smurf/mushroom better than a CABBAGE!

To my other half ‘thank you so much for constantly being there for me. Thought we are far apart, you assure me always to be strong and have faith. Like you said He brings you to it He’ll brings you through it!’ I’ve succeed and come this far I can’t just go back I’ve got to keep on moving forward I got to be strong and I am not in this alone. I’ll always have you. Thank you and I love ALL of you!